THE BLEEDING GRAVE !

A man is visiting his mothers grave.Once inside the cemetery ,he fills up a bottle of water from a tap,so he can put some in a vase with flowers.Suddenly ,he glances up.He heard a strange noise,behind him.He cant see anyone ,but notices a grave about a few yards away.He hears a rustling noise and notices that the grave seems to be covered in a large red stain.It looks rather like blood.Oh dear! It is a very old grave,and most of the lettering has worn away.The whole thing makes him feel nervous..Backing away ,he drops the water bottle and breaks into a run,as fast as he can though the cemetery.                                                                                                                                                                                        Meanwhile,Detective Inspector Jollies,of the Yard,is sitting at his desk.His computer is on .He is trying to look busy,but really he does arse -all,and carries on like he knows everything,and flaps his gums .The Chief of Police is there.And he is not happy .”You are a disgrace to the force,Jollies-a disgrace ,I say!”says the chief.For all your crowing about making an investigation into the 2 women of Highgate,Elizabeth ,and Jackie,you were absolutely useless.It was all piss and wind ,signifying nothing as far as im concerned.And when Elizabeth Wojdyla was found,working in a chip shop ,and someone asked if it was her ,and she said no -you let it go!Er -WHY ? surely it must have been obvious that there could not have been 2 women of that distinctive name? In fact ,all you do all day is sit at your computer ,pretending to work ,while looking at scantily clad girls onscreen ,and getting your jollies !!!You are a disgrace to the force!When are you going to do something useful?You go on about those mysterious crop circles that keep appearing ,yet so far ,you have not made a single arrest.Do you know who is making them?If you don’t want to be sacked-you had better find out!”And with that,the chief walks out.”Yes ,sir”says Jollies ,miserably.He does feel sorry for himself ,the miserable old git.Thinks he is dreadfully hard done by.But as long as he can find some girl to ogle behind his computer screen,he feels better.That perks him up no end.He seeks out the girls ,then has a good eyeful !He is just a disgusting dirty old wa***r.He knows full well who makes the crop circles ,but he isn’t saying !He sneaks out at night and returns in the morning ,so no one knows where he has been!                                                                                                                                                                                                                         He is sitting ,at his desk ,the next day ,when he gets a call . A man has reported blood coming out of what seems to be an ordinary grave!When he interviews the man ,he is distraught . “Yes ,sir,it was a grave -blood just oozing out of it “the man says. “Ill show you ,sir “.And with that ,they both pile down to the cemetery .The grave is still there , with its ominous stain across the top.”How very odd!” exclaims Jollies “Well,well, we will soon find out what lies behind all this!”He goes back to the station and gets some men to put a boundary around the somewhat noticeable grave.A small crowd gathers.Mrs Green, of the Ladies Detective Agency is there.”Who authorised you to put up this big erection here?”she asks,not at all pleased about the fact that fencing has been put around the grave.                                                                                                                                                                                                               Because of a small paragraph in the paper,the story of the “Bleeding Grave”reaches the attention of his Emminence the Bishop Manchester,author of the well known book ,The Highgate Vampire.”Bleeding grave?THAT  looks interesting!”he remarks,and makes arrangements to view it ,immediately.Later ,he arrives.That man who noticed the grave ,should have come to me -not the bungling Inspector Jollies!he thinks,as he makes his way up the hill to where a small crowd has gathered.”Ooh!”he remarks ,staring at the grave.”I think you could say that this definitely should be kept an eye on -by ME! For it is,undoubtedly ,the grave of a VAMPIRE!”He dramatically pauses .letting the words sink in.”Tonight-I will be here -with my stake -when it rises from its tomb!”he cries,like a man in a Hammer film.”Oh no you wont “says Jollies”hop it mate!This is a police matter.” The Bishop looks distainful.”It IS a vampire” he says”the perforations around the tomb prove it”And with that ,he strides off,his cloak dramatically billowing around him. Stupid pratt-there are no perforations! He made those himself .thinks Jollies.                                                                                                                                                                                                                Later,in his office ,Jollies is feeling sorry for himself.Why is it always me?he thinks ,self indulgently.Why am I so unlucky ?My wife and I are estranged,i cant get any nookie,and now this nutter claims an old grave is home to a “vampire”. “For Gods sake ,Jollies,pull yourself together” says the chief inspector.”Go and sort all this crap out immediately!The Bishop is in it just for the drama,and he no doubt,wishes to publish another book.Go and sort the whole mess out right away ,if you wish to keep your job!”So Jollies sets off.When he arrives,a  large crowd has gathered.Just waiting to see the vampire emerge from its tomb!And the Bishop is already there. “Look -I can see fresh blood! How dare you interrupt my exorcism?”he cries.”Be quiet everyone-so we can see it come out of its foul abode!”.The crowd goes quiet.Everyone falls into a silence,as the breeze blows through the trees,and the moon is full.Drip …drip …drip…berries from a tree fall and break onto the grave ,emitting a ripe ,red liquid.”Its those bloody berries!”someone shouts -not a vampire -THEY are whats causing that stain that looks like blood!”At this everyone looks and sees that, indeed ,it is the berries-that have been getting ever riper, in the tree- up above the grave.Jollies superior suddenly appears.”Bloody berries-all this fuss about nothing !What are you ,Jollies ?-useless!”he announces.The Bishop looks deflated ,rather like a let down balloon.He had made such plans to publish his next lot of publicity ,after the Highgate vampire and the fracas ,that was the Kirklees vampire.Now ,it looks like there will be no book.Whereas all Inspector Jollies gets ,-the man who is  weak,feeble,a coward, and a self pitying pervert , is a kick up the arse.                                                          The End.