THE BLEEDING GRAVE !

Posted: July 24, 2016 in Uncategorized

A man is visiting his mothers grave.Once inside the cemetery ,he fills up a bottle of water from a tap,so he can put some in a vase with flowers.Suddenly ,he glances up.He heard a strange noise,behind him.He cant see anyone ,but notices a grave about a few yards away.He hears a rustling noise and notices that the grave seems to be covered in a large red stain.It looks rather like blood.Oh dear! It is a very old grave,and most of the lettering has worn away.The whole thing makes him feel nervous..Backing away ,he drops the water bottle and breaks into a run,as fast as he can though the cemetery.                                                                                                                                                                                        Meanwhile,Detective Inspector Jollies,of the Yard,is sitting at his desk.His computer is on .He is trying to look busy,but really he does arse -all,and carries on like he knows everything,and flaps his gums .The Chief of Police is there.And he is not happy .”You are a disgrace to the force,Jollies-a disgrace ,I say!”says the chief.For all your crowing about making an investigation into the 2 women of Highgate,Elizabeth ,and Jackie,you were absolutely useless.It was all piss and wind ,signifying nothing as far as im concerned.And when Elizabeth Wojdyla was found,working in a chip shop ,and someone asked if it was her ,and she said no -you let it go!Er -WHY ? surely it must have been obvious that there could not have been 2 women of that distinctive name? In fact ,all you do all day is sit at your computer ,pretending to work ,while looking at scantily clad girls onscreen ,and getting your jollies !!!You are a disgrace to the force!When are you going to do something useful?You go on about those mysterious crop circles that keep appearing ,yet so far ,you have not made a single arrest.Do you know who is making them?If you don’t want to be sacked-you had better find out!”And with that,the chief walks out.”Yes ,sir”says Jollies ,miserably.He does feel sorry for himself ,the miserable old git.Thinks he is dreadfully hard done by.But as long as he can find some girl to ogle behind his computer screen,he feels better.That perks him up no end.He seeks out the girls ,then has a good eyeful !He is just a disgusting dirty old wa***r.He knows full well who makes the crop circles ,but he isn’t saying !He sneaks out at night and returns in the morning ,so no one knows where he has been!                                                                                                                                                                                                                         He is sitting ,at his desk ,the next day ,when he gets a call . A man has reported blood coming out of what seems to be an ordinary grave!When he interviews the man ,he is distraught . “Yes ,sir,it was a grave -blood just oozing out of it “the man says. “Ill show you ,sir “.And with that ,they both pile down to the cemetery .The grave is still there , with its ominous stain across the top.”How very odd!” exclaims Jollies “Well,well, we will soon find out what lies behind all this!”He goes back to the station and gets some men to put a boundary around the somewhat noticeable grave.A small crowd gathers.Mrs Green, of the Ladies Detective Agency is there.”Who authorised you to put up this big erection here?”she asks,not at all pleased about the fact that fencing has been put around the grave.                                                                                                                                                                                                               Because of a small paragraph in the paper,the story of the “Bleeding Grave”reaches the attention of his Emminence the Bishop Manchester,author of the well known book ,The Highgate Vampire.”Bleeding grave?THAT  looks interesting!”he remarks,and makes arrangements to view it ,immediately.Later ,he arrives.That man who noticed the grave ,should have come to me -not the bungling Inspector Jollies!he thinks,as he makes his way up the hill to where a small crowd has gathered.”Ooh!”he remarks ,staring at the grave.”I think you could say that this definitely should be kept an eye on -by ME! For it is,undoubtedly ,the grave of a VAMPIRE!”He dramatically pauses .letting the words sink in.”Tonight-I will be here -with my stake -when it rises from its tomb!”he cries,like a man in a Hammer film.”Oh no you wont “says Jollies”hop it mate!This is a police matter.” The Bishop looks distainful.”It IS a vampire” he says”the perforations around the tomb prove it”And with that ,he strides off,his cloak dramatically billowing around him. Stupid pratt-there are no perforations! He made those himself .thinks Jollies.                                                                                                                                                                                                                Later,in his office ,Jollies is feeling sorry for himself.Why is it always me?he thinks ,self indulgently.Why am I so unlucky ?My wife and I are estranged,i cant get any nookie,and now this nutter claims an old grave is home to a “vampire”. “For Gods sake ,Jollies,pull yourself together” says the chief inspector.”Go and sort all this crap out immediately!The Bishop is in it just for the drama,and he no doubt,wishes to publish another book.Go and sort the whole mess out right away ,if you wish to keep your job!”So Jollies sets off.When he arrives,a  large crowd has gathered.Just waiting to see the vampire emerge from its tomb!And the Bishop is already there. “Look -I can see fresh blood! How dare you interrupt my exorcism?”he cries.”Be quiet everyone-so we can see it come out of its foul abode!”.The crowd goes quiet.Everyone falls into a silence,as the breeze blows through the trees,and the moon is full.Drip …drip …drip…berries from a tree fall and break onto the grave ,emitting a ripe ,red liquid.”Its those bloody berries!”someone shouts -not a vampire -THEY are whats causing that stain that looks like blood!”At this everyone looks and sees that, indeed ,it is the berries-that have been getting ever riper, in the tree- up above the grave.Jollies superior suddenly appears.”Bloody berries-all this fuss about nothing !What are you ,Jollies ?-useless!”he announces.The Bishop looks deflated ,rather like a let down balloon.He had made such plans to publish his next lot of publicity ,after the Highgate vampire and the fracas ,that was the Kirklees vampire.Now ,it looks like there will be no book.Whereas all Inspector Jollies gets ,-the man who is  weak,feeble,a coward, and a self pitying pervert , is a kick up the arse.                                                        13823713_1248539331845685_945416447_n  The End.

DOWNSTAIRS AT THE SHITHOUSE

Posted: July 18, 2015 in Uncategorized

A Letter From David Farrant.                                                                                                                                                            Dear Trystan,[Although I don’t know why I call you dear-I hate your guts.]                                                                                                                                                                                                 I gather  that you are going to our do on the 19th ?Although I don’t know whether you have bought a ticket or not .But we are as paranoid as hell,so I thought id better write anyway.On behalf of our committee-I.E- ME,DELLA AND THE GARDEN GNOME,You are  not welcome.Because we are pratts .So you can get lost.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   As you can appreciate ,we will be doing our usual largeing it up  at the event, and are already preening ourselves right at this moment now,thinking how we are going to swan around ,like the bunch of idiots we are.I have not combed my hair -i never do .The Gnome will be wearing his little hat ,and Della ,will of course have a bag over her head,as is her usual wont.You said unpleasant things about us on twitter.[boohoo]which upset us.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I know we speak about a free exchange of ideas,but that is all absolute horseshit.We lied.Basically,we don’t want any ideas exchanged -except ours. I know you have bought a ticket-but up yours !.Anyone genuine will not be at the event -only our friends,and arselickers.So we can all meet to admire ourselves and show off.-which is what we do best -of course.We can refund your ticket upstairs at the gatehouse .Or if you care to come to my bedsit ,downstairs at the shithouse.Fuck you .And now fuck off.                                                                                                                                                                              Yours Sincerely ,David Farrant.

So David  and Della are sitting in their Muswell Hill flat talking about winter.”I hate this weather”says David.”You drink too much as usual”replies Della,”I hate that group run by Blackorchid.”David laughs”oh give it a rest”he says”just because Redmond and everybody wants to be in it,and cant get in,you are annoyed.You are getting obsessed ,Della.Why cant you forget that lot?”.”Well,she is saying things about me,David”she shouts.”Its your own fault,if you contacted her ,and told her you were a lesbian!Really Della !-what did you go and say a thing like that for?What the hell did you say it for ?And all that stuff about the mongoose?What on earth did you get up to before we met?”Della is angry.”Well,at least I cant say I don’t know what YOU got up to before we met?,claiming you were a magnet for women.You were content to blow your own trumpet as loudly as you could !In fact most of your books are all about your seedy exploits -not vampires!There is only 10 percent about the vampire-the rest of your book is all about adolescent bragging who you have shagged!And what about that nude picture of John Pope?What on earth were you doing in that photo?”.This makes David throw down his glass.”Then piss off ,darling!”he says.Della gets up “I might just do that!”she says “Considering how much money Ive spent on you.All the cash to convert that dirty old bathroom!And then do a whitewash job of trying to make you look like a serious psychic investigator!When all the time ,you were a soppy old drunk,with no self respect!.People say im a parasite -its me whose got the guts to do things-you were content to sit about drinking all day!”Farrant looks very angry indeed at this outburst .”yes,but you were still unknown when you wrote your book.It was ME who had the fame!Soppy old drunk or not!”he yells back.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Oh dear! The state of the Farrants marriage doesn’t look good.They tried to patch up their differences a year ago .But things still irritate Della ,like the fact that they are not married ,legally.Della is making a film about her book -Haunted Highgate.Farrant is pissed off.Nowadays ,all the emphasis seems on Della -not him.They have had numerous arguments over the fact thatDella will not show her face on film,insistingthat she is either photographed with no head,or in ghastly Halloween make up.David has asked her why she has this compulsion to hide her face,and she has confessed that it is because secretly ,she fears she is ugly.As she has quite a nice face,blue eyes and long dark hair,David cant understand this.But he learnt the dreadful truth 2 years ago-Della is neurotic-flying into  insecure rages over any of Davids friends,and when anything doesn’t go her way,and attempting to be seen as someone better than everyone else,and upper class-which she really isn’t.Her voice is screeching and sounds like somebody running fingernails down a blackboard-something Farrant has never got used to.Catherine might have had the disadvantage to look like the actor ,Bill Murray-but at least he preferred her lilting Yorkshire tones.He sighs.Della has been working on her film,and  editing all the bits that make her sound intelligent.Redmond,the gnome, is in charge of the microphones and sound.                                                                                                                                                                                                                        He is worried.Alongside crawling up Dellas arse,to accommodate her childish and frequently unreasonable whims,he has also been working on something else .Trying to get into Blackorchids group.Niether Della ,nor he can get in,and it grieves him terribly.After a lifetime of criticising the Bishop,who seems to make a second career out of inventing aliases for himself,the gnome is trying to do exactly the same thing!The Bishop has around 40 different ones ,including “George Byron”,but Della and Redmond have notched up a few,themselves.They cannot leave Blackorchids group alone,and will resort to almost anything ,including blackmail- to get people to come over to their side.  Someone has been around on the net for some time calling themselves “Vebjorn Hastofart”.But the ridiculous man has got everyones hackles raised-not least by his appallingly stupid and ridiculous name.It could be the Farrant- hating Bishop,because as well as inventing aliases and pretending to be a proper bishop,he once wrote a book stating he staked the famous vampire when it hid in a house in Crouch End.Attempting to claw back some dignity ,after being laughed at mercilessly all over the internet, over his writing and phoney bishop claims,he secretly skulks around,trying to convince everyone he is a genuinely nice guy.He isn’t -hes a big prick.However ,today it is the gnomes turn to be obsessed with Blackorchids group.At the end of doing the sound of Dellas film,both her and the gnome ,his little legs going as fast as they can,go to a fence and peer over ,using a pair of binoculars-trying to spy on Blackorchids group,whilst making sneery comments.His little legs kick with unbridled glee everytime he thinks he sees something-longing to be part of the group he is shut out of.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Every so often,someone will come to the gate,and make sureno one is trying to sneak in.But Redmond is small enough to hide behind a toadstool,so hes difficult to see.Every so often ,Blackorchid transforms into a demon and flies around,determined to protect those in her group .Someone also once used the ridiculous alias “Arthur Saxon”but when he published a picture and said it was his father ,and it was not -it was a well known actor,people quickly cottoned on he was not the genuine deal ,and he was sent away with a flea in his ear.The gnome has been getting in rhe Bishops way ,and he doesn’t like it.He hides in some bushes,[which is quite an accomplishment for someone in full bishops regalia]and has a pair of binoculars too.How on earth can he infiltrate Blackorchids group,whilst the gnome has the same idea?                                                                                                                                                                                                     Suddenly ,who should come round the corner, but Barbara Green of the Ladies Detective Agency.Its these ladies job to seek as many erections as they can-and attempt to demolish them.From sheds in the garden to rockets and all manner of other male -invented protuberances!Della and the gnome scatter in  different directions,as they do not want to see Barbara Green-who possibly might start lecturing them about erections.Suddenly -there is a loud BANG ! Oh dear !Barbara Green almost falls off her bike!It seemed to come from the bushes of Rhodedendrons,by the trees.Barbara is so scared ,she can hardly manage to get off her bike and look in the rhodedendrons,afraid of what she may find.”OOOOH !” she screams.There ,lying across the bushes ,is the gnome ,Redmond!And he has a bloody great knife in his back!Oh ! what a terrible sight ! SOMEONE has done it !But the question is -WHO???!!!

Anatomy Of A Divorce.

Posted: August 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

It is a swelteringly hot day in the Farrant Muswell Hill flat.The Farrants have separated -mainly because of differences between them,but also Farrants jealousy.Still willing to make a go of things,Della is cooking a lobster on the stove.In the living rom hangs a large portrait of a gnome,where previously there was a picture of boats at sea.”Remind me again,David-why do we have to have that hanging there?”asks Della.”Dont talk about Redmond that way -hes my best friend.More loyal than you ,Della,You don’t live here anymore -remember?”Della pulls a face.”I still don’t see why you hads to replace the picture I bought with one of him.I don’t want to come in and see the picture of the gnome”she says.”I .Saying I only used you for the kudos of getting a book publishedcouldn’t stand the way you were talking to me ,David-and that I wanted all the limelight.”Farrant replies”Im the one who writes the books ,Della.But it was the way you go around grabbing attention.I mean why did you start that thing off about being photographed with no head?”.Della gets angry.”I just don’t like showing my head “she replies.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             “But that’s not true ,Della-you knew that by not showing your head,it would only result in more attention being placed upon you -not less-it was all a big stunt to make yourself popular!And it really took off .Suddenly ,everywhere was the woman with no head!How was that supposed to make me look?Im a famous writer-and I felt humiliated.”Della scowls “Eat your dinner ,David.”she says”If I  knew youd go on like this ,I would not have come round to cook you a lobster today.”She bangs Farrants dinner down on a plate “Whats the point ,David?-Why do you keep throwing my public image in my face?”Farrant laughs”Public image-that’s a joke!A woman with no identity!Besides ,what is all this keeping your identity silent?Whats the point ,when its an open secret in the whole vampire community who you are?-Every body knows you are ****ASBO******.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Della is furious about what Farrant is saying.”You imagine if someone outs you ,everyone is gonna go “ooh”  .says Farrant.”In fact ,people don’t even care”.Della decides to put the boot in “Yes they do ,David.Whilst you were brooding in here, I went out and got a new contract-everyone loves the woman with no head-im going to advertise ,now.My first big job is an advert for Mr Kipling Donuts.My boobs will be on show again!Isnt that amazing?  People cant get enough of me.”Farrant is incredulous.He cannot believe what his wife has just said.He is furious.”What the hell have donuts to do with Highgate?”he yells at her.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       “You duplicitous little liar-you used me ,Della -to get yourself in the spotlight.I helped you write that book ,Haunted Highgate-and now you throw it all back in my face,by your need for publicity!You need to go out flaunting yourself all over the place!Well,think again.”He is furious with shock..”Look at all I did for you ,Della-and this is how you treat me-like crap!”Della flings the lobster to the floor.”Well,you can talk -you needed me-look at all I did for you!You lived ina hovel when I found you -I paid for everything ,Mr Mean!You couldn’t even be arsed ,when the bloody roof fell in!I had to pay for it all to be fixed.You didn’t give a shit that you were famous ,and everyone was saying you lived in a place that was falling to bits,but didn’t care!Then -the minute I leave you ,you go back to your old ways!I put up with all your weirdo friends ,and Redmond the gnome!Bloody man -why is he always coming round here?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       “Oh yes-that’s another thing ,Della-you never wanted me to have any friends did you ?You got rid of them all with your snobbiness and high handed attitudes!Forcing me to be someone I am not!Forcing my real friends away -pretending we live in a place like the sort of house in Homes Beautiful!And showing it all in pictures over the internet -who do you bloody think I am ,Della?Do you think I want pictures of my toilet published all over the place!I am David Farrant-Occultist -not someone out of bloody Hello Magazine !”  He picks up the phone ,that is ringing.”yes Redmon-you can come  round. ”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                “Ive had enough of this”says Dellla.”Im getting a divorce ,David.The fact is Redmond fancies you!”Farrant laughs.”Well,at least he doesn’t fancy you !”he shouts,with a sneer-“although every other man does-showing yourself all over the place!-then say you don’t want to be identified-you must be confused!”Redmond puts his head round the door”Cooo-eeh!”he says .”How did he get in ?Don’t say you gave him a key ,David?”Della screeches.People will talk.You know the kind of thing they will say!”David looks embarrassed.”Im too old for that sort of thing !You should know that”he adds quietly.”Yes-not even the snake charmers can make it stand  up”yells Della .Gareth,Davids other friend arrives.”Yoo who,i got some chips on the way!”he announces.”You don’t like chips-you eat lobster!”cries Della.”No my dear -you might as well hear the truth now the gloves are off!I hate lobster!I cant stand it-I only pretended to like it because you insisted it       sounded as if we were posh !”cries Farrant.”The truth is  I love chips from the chippy and cup a soups!”Gareth is eating chips.The gnome is eating the remains of the lobster Della has cooked.The phone rings again.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       David picks it up.”what ?From an American food company?You want to offer my wife a job?But she can only show her boobs?NO -GET LOST!”He bangs down the phone.”Ive had enough of this ,David-im leaving you .Ive got the cat ,Liberty Bell Allagash,in the cat basket.Dont bother coming after me -you can sit there in your stinking hovel- eating chips-Im only sorry it had to come to this,I tried to help you David!-but you didn’t want to know!So -Goodbye ,forever!”She clatters down the stairs,and slams the door.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          David  feels sad.”I just couldn’t take it “he says.”She wanted to completely change my life!White furniture!bloody lobsters!Posh friends of hers.Im just a normal bloke -I want to sit here and be who I am!Why could she not accept that?”Gareth and Redmond look embarrassed.”Eat your chips ,mate”Gareth says.

If you can recall,in the last adventure,Farrant and The Bishop went to the future.This upset them,so they decided to go back to the past,to prevent the future from happening[if that makes sense].They did this ,with the help of Dr Whos Tardis-which took them flying all over the universe.The Bishop found that his future was not so very rosy,and a nasty demon named Blackorchid[Angie Watkins]was after him for ripping people off and copying other peoples work and ideas.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Farrant found the future non too rosy for himself ,as well,and when he returned to his Muswell Hill flat ,he discovered that his wife-she of the impressive cleavage] ,Della ,had left him ,taking Libby the cat with her! Sadly,the Bishop ended up in hospital with a severely bruised and misshapen head,after the demon had flushed it down Farrants dirty loo.He was also kicked up the arse,and his head was bent all out of shape because it went around the u-bend.He is on his way home ,now from Bournmouth Hospital in a taxi with his wife.”Now,now dear”his wife says”You only imagined it was a demon attacking you.You had a nasty fall,and banged your head.No -one was found in that car park ,but a girl ,Angie Watkins.”But she turns into a flying monster!”The Bishop cries “OOh -my poor head!”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Meanwhile,Farrant returns to his flat,and delicious cooking smells come from the kitchen.”Hello ,David”says Della -Im just cooking your tea”.”Oh ,thank God ,Della-I thought youd left me”says Farrant.”Ive had a lot going on here”says Della”Rumours are flying around now that a ghostly wallaby has been sighted around Highgate Cemetery.”                                                                                                                                                  Little do people know that the wallaby is Anthony Hogg in disguise.He is determined to teach the Bishop a lesson.The Bishop ,meanwhile ,is not in a good mood.The U- bend of the toilet bent his head out of shape horribly.How can he go around flapping his gums ,now?Oh why oh why did he have to provoke Anthony Hogg,and the demon ,by stealing Anthonys work?A tear runs down his misshapen face.”Now ,now “says sarah.his wife”just have a cup of tea and a nice piece of cake”.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         In the Farrant household the phone rings.Farrant answers it “Oh -you want to talk to Della?”he  replies,He hands her the phone .”Of course -ill come right away “she says.  “Its work-ive got to go to the cemetery now and meet Redmonds group . We are persuing the ghost of a wallaby  ,apparently.”Farrant scowls.He doesn’t want to be left on his own .He wants his wife cooking for him ,bringing him cuppas,but he has discovered that since he has been away ,she has written a book called Haunted Highgate ! Now ,she has become famous in her own right ,he doesn’t like it.With her carefully applied lipstick,and high heels she goes out the door.Farrant contemplates the lobster on the stove ,which has apparently gone cold and rubbery.Oh Dear.He looks at the cat in disgust.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Della reaches the graveyard at Highgate.There ,with his usual friends ,is Redmond,the gnome.He ,together with Della ,runs it.He is not very tall,and he sometimes gets really ,really angry,like gnomes do,when he is upset about anything.Sometimes ,the Farrants upset him,a fact he would not be keen to admit ,because he feels he has to be sycophantic to them.”You are a bit late Della “he says.”My husband came back and I was finishing cooking his tea”she replies.”Do you want to come round later for a chat with him?”Redmond is thrilled “Ooh yes!”he cries-its so nice of you to invite me to your home .”                                                                                                                                                                                          He remembers the terrible interview he did wih the Farrants-the one where ,in one scene ,Della appears minus her head-much to everyone elses amusement.Talk about embarrassing.He made a right plonker of himself.He fervently hopes the Farrants wont embarrass him again.But what do they care!They know Redmond fawns after them,the twit that he is.andthey are both so egoccentic,that they really do not care if he gets embarrassed.The interview they did was because they wanted to ,absurd as it may sound,show off their house.Which they did with great gusto!One wondered if mistakenly ,one had wandered into an interview with “Attractive House ” magazine-rather than anything occult,as we were treated to a view of their bedrooms ,living room ,kitchen and bizarrely ,the toilet.At the end of it all ,the little gnome was left blustering and red faced-looking like a complete loon.They now are intending to look around Highgate -for a ghostly wallaby.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Little do they know,that the” wallaby” has already left-it has hopped away and now nearly  is at the Bishops house.The Bishop is sitting in his garden,reading,and drinking a cup of tea.There has been a rustling in the rhodedendrons.The Bishop really hopes it is not Barbara Green-Greenorchid -as she calls herself.She is a stalwart of “Fencewatch”-the ladies detective agency.If anyone puts up a fence-Barbara will take it down.The ladies of Fencewatch go from road to road,looking for people who put up fences-then bash them down.It all started when they put one around Robin Hoods grave at Kirklees.Since then ,Greenorchid and her team like to go around demolishing “great big erections” as she calls them.Barbara is like Blackorchid ,a feminist in the strictest sense of the word,and where men put up fences,she sees it as her duty to demolish such symbols of male achievement!The rhodedendrons twitch .The Bishop feels uneasy.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        At about 11 oclock,Della comes back with Redmond.”Where have you been all this time ,Della?”asks Farrant.”Ive had to have chips for my tea.The lobster is now inside the cat.What did you have to bring Redmond here for?”Farrant loses his temper.”Why cant you be like you used to be?getting my tea and loking after me?Instead of running around a graveyard at night?”Della grits her teeth “David ,please”she says”You were gone a long time ,having adventures ,whizzing around the universe,in that bloody Tardis!What was I supposed to do -wait?I had to write that book -earn something .You weren’t here!”she shouts.”All I bloody hear now is people on the phone for you -not me -Im the writer in this house -Im the famous one-not you!Im the one that people want-the important one “shouts Farrant.Della says nothing ,then silently picks up a cup of tea and throws it all over Farrant ,who ducks!It goes all over Redmond -Oh dear!She takes off her shoes and throws them, one at a time ,at Farrant.The gnome cowers behind the sofa with the cat.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Meanwhile,there is a strange sound coming from the Bishops prize blooms.WHOOSH!Out jumps the wallaby!”There you are you plaigurising bastard!”he cries,”Thats for pinching the name of my Blog!”and the Bishop sees that it is Anthony .”Oh mercy-ive already had my head bashed in by Blackorchid “the Bishop cries.Kick!goes Anthonys shoe,and the Bishop goes flying over the hedge ,into next doors duckpond.

Later ,it is night.The wind whistles through the trees.The Bishop is in the duck pond, crying.The Farrants are fighting each other ,throwing punches, on the floor.Anthony is on a plane ,back to Oz.The  gnome is running for his little house in the woods.Everything is back to normal.

The Demon Awakens!

Posted: February 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

I have always thought Kevin Craces group,The Highgate Vampire Chronicles,was a good group,full of interesting ideas,but have not been reading it for some time.A small group of people decided to block me seeing anything they post.They did this because I outed them publicly ,on DEMONFLYONTHEWALL,this blog here.I outed them for telling whoppers,and being such dreadful hypocrites.After all,I should know-ive met Mr Farrant ,and conversed with his wife Della.And a lot of what they say is simply not true.Not that it bothers me much.They rarely have anything original to say. David Farrant was alright,though a bit of a nutter,up until 2 or 3 years ago,when he made close friends with a couple of people,who I can only describe as “silly arses”.One of these people,now his wife,liked to talk to me on the internet,by popping up in my chat box.She told me she was persued by the vengeful spirit of a mongoose,the same one ,I believe- is famous on the Isle of Man.Yes,you read that right.All true.Needless to say ever since this time I have had less time for David Farrant[or whatever nutters he attracts]It is clear to me ,that this person who is now his wife- was a few cans short of a sixpack. This is when David Farrant changed,and started behaving like a complete fool. He soon associated himself with yet another silly arse,hanger on-named Redmond McWilliams[who resembles a garden gnome-just check out the video where he interviews Farrant]and started to go on about eating lobsters ,dining out ,and acting a bit la di da.Why did Farrant put up with this? These people are idiots who have their own agendas.And are known as the “Farrant Clique”.They cannot bear to have even the slightest hint of criticism or questioning.One simple question to Farrant ,and they react with a fury unknown,and a paranoia unequalled.No -one is that interested in Farrant anyway.The silly sod.But now ,no one can say anything because its all about “cult of Dave”.These people wrap Farrant in cotton wool and take it upon themselves[as these kind of parasites do] to speak for him,and control him.Anthony Hogg was posting on a thread on the Kevin Crace Group ,The Highgate Vampire chronicles,when the thread was suddenly removed,and he was blocked.These silly arses quest for self -isolation hit new heights!I doubt even David Farrant,himself, can see just how damaging these examples of behaviour are?For what have they got on Kevin Craces group now?Informative discussions ,that people can join in with and see?No.Threads that vanish with no explanation,when people ask questions-which they have every right to do.ANTHONY -you are well -rid of the bloody group!KEVIN ,you can do better than let a lot of silly arses invade your group?So why allow it? The lunatics wish to take over the asylum,along with their infantile quest for self -isolation and narcissism.The FARRANTS -for God sake ,get a life.What is the sense of relentlessly trying to be famous and inform people about the Highgate Vampire ,when at the same time all your so called cronies do -is wish to post on threads only THEY can see,on groups THEY can control,and share amongst THEMSELVES and all disappear up their own backsides into a sea of Self -indulgent , self satisfied,pretentious rubbish!WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY AFRAID OF?That we ,Joe public,can see these creepy arses for what they really are? Let your public see you ,Mr Farrant.There is a real need for Honesty,now.Not this stupid, rubbishy behaviour.

It is 12 Oclock sometime,in September.The sun has set on a glorious summers day ,once more.The sky has now cooled above LIDL supermarket,and a shadow is seen in the trees.A swoosh of wings is heard-and the shape of a large demon is coming into view,her wings black,and hands and feet are claws.This is the realisation of all her dreams-the personification of all her freedoms,and she flies.A man is coming home from the pub.He sees the shadow-is it Batman?No-I must be bloody drunk,he thinks.A large pair of wings swoops past him.”I could knock over LIDL supermarket-it charges too much off people anyway!But Ive more important things to do”thinks the demon,and it flies,and flies,until she sees a solitary taxi on the motorway. Inside the taxi,are David Farrant and the Bishop,desperately hopingto get back to the Tardis and jump in it again and get away from the inevitable-a result wreaked by their own bad ideas and wrong conclusions.The two men are not friends ,but bitter enemies.Farrant pissed the demon off.But that pales into insignificance,against the dirty machinations that the Bishop tried to do across Anthony Hogg.The Bishop,always too busy living off his wifes inheritance,had nothing much to do except swagger around ,making claims he was a long lost descendent-of Lord Byron ,no less. The result of a liason between Lord Byron and a serving maid.Apart from boasting,and admiring himself, the man has no real brains at all,and appears to live in a glorified fantasy world-of pretentious rubbish and quasi-religious nonsense,backed up ,mainly by a large house and fancy costumes.But very little else.Full of piss and wind-blown up,puffed up ,and dried up,he is typical of a lot of the upper classes-too much money and not enough brains!Then ,one day ,he saw Anthonys work,and decided to pinch all his ideas.He stole the title “Vampirologist”along with everything else -all Anthonys ideas,and even his group designs.Then was so arrogant ,he really thought he could do it without anyone noticing. He wrote a silly book called “The Highgate Vampire”.No doubt that too, was full of ideas stolen from somebody else-possibly the late Montague Summers-a real life vampirologist.The Bishop claims in his book,he staked the vampire in its coffin in Crouch End,then burnt it,together with its coffin, outside. Yet whilst Farrant was trying to get his name in the papers,and get publicity ,the Bishop ,was by all accounts playing his saxophone in a local pub,and spent his days as a milkman.Outraged at the fact that Farrants desire for publicity paid off,and Farrant was consulted about the Highgate phenomenon,the arrogant Bishop then self -published his tome”The Highgate Vampire”.When people criticised it on the internet,the “Bishop”had not even the balls to defend himself ,but rather bizarrely ,hid behind a set of aliases-about 30,or 40.”Dennis Crawford”is one.”Vebjorn Hastefuvhund” is another.In order to shut Hogg up,he then mounted a vendetta against him-revealing his name and address.Fortunately the “address”Hogg lived at was revealed to be a petrol station-another cock -up on the Bishops part!Now ,he and Farrant are in the taxi,trying not to panic at what is flying behind them.Oh yes!Its always someone elses fault isn’t it Bishop?If only Hogg had been quiet.Kept his mouth shut.But Hogg was friends with a girl called Angie-who can become a demon at will!Out go the jackets,in come the wings-and now there are two of them -following the taxi! An hour or two before this,the girl goes into a room”how much rent do you want?”she asks.Its a bit expensive.the walls are bare and the carpet is worn,but she is tired.”Have you travelled far?”asks the landlord.”My whole life”she replies-a wealth of meaning behind the words.The Asian landlord doesn’t understand ,and shrugs.He goes,and she sits down on the bed.She reflects on her life as a demon in the desert,an arid and very lonely place,with no oasis -no water ,no occaisional rest from her travel.But there is no regret,no sadness,at the challenges she has faced.These have made her strong.Her primeval rage has served her well,her suit of invisible armour in place.She smiles ,for tonight ,she will be let loose.She will avenge her friend ,Hogg.There has never been a more right time. Now,the beast is almost upon the taxi.swooping and diving and firing lightening bolts!Terrible screams ring out,as cars crash ,people stare, and the solitary taxi,meanders all over the road like a wounded animal,that knows it is doomed.”Ha Ha!RUN from me!”the demon cries,flapping its mighty wings! Farrant tries to stop the car.The Bishop gibbers”Back -back I say-Behold the light!”he cries”Bollocks to all that!”says the demon,firing lightening bolts,left right and centre..”You are a complete bastard!”the demon hisses,and with that,she picks up the bishop,and flies off about 200 miles an hour.Farrant stumbles out of the car.The last thing he sees before he faints ,is a dark shadow ,swooping acrossin the distance ,and the Bishop being carried away.”Help!” cries the Bishop,in terror.They fly faster and faster,past towns ,past schools ,past trees..Then they fly over Farrants flat.”I will not appollogise to you !”cries the defiant Bishop.”What use are those ideas I pinched ,to Hogg?I -I am a SOMEBODY -he is just a nobody!They should have been my ideas,but I hadn’t got the brains to think of them-why should I not have his ideas-ive got the fame-the clothes the money ,the glamour!Hogg is a mere nobody and you are a mere girl!”The demon growls,viciously,then the Bishop finds himself falling-falling….. where to?He crashes straight through Farrants roof!He shudders as he falls head first into …wait for it….Farrants dirty old loo!OH DEAR!”You pathetic ,nasty ,sexist conceited oaf!”cries the demon and aims a kick at his bum.The Bishops head disappears even further around the u-bend!”Glug glug-er….gurgle !!! he splutters. Later ,there is coverage about it on the tv.The fire engine and police were called -even the army,because no one else could get him out of the u bend! oh -the humiliation of it all-to be shoved down a loo!-and not just any loo-Farrants!Oh,the Bishop will never live it down.A police officer is being interviewed on tv”Yes-it was humiliating for him,poor man-he had terrible injuries you know.No -people said it was some sort of flying monster!But then you know what people are!”
The policeman recalls finding no one …….only a girl wandering around LIDl car park………